here's the base

and here's the attempt at making it less...blank

those with emotions just make it harder to hit the ground, im getting a little more or less annoyed with the way things work in this world. why is everything so hard to control? is that the way things are supposed to be? one object stacked on top the other; weaker things below, stronger on top.

i need more time. what time i have is spent by trying to figure out how much ive wasted. ive destroyed over 3 weeks of time doing things i didn't need to be doing. that little clock that keeps track of drained moments continues to tick upwards, even as i type this! because it's not necessary, i could be reading what needs to be read.

this summer has turned out to be filled with more bad than good in it. there are so many things i wanted to do, and tons of people i wished to see! if i ever walk through those double doors again, im almost positive ill start to cry.

i wonder how many people will take one look at this and think, "this is to long, ill just post something random at the bottom." either way, i suppose.

there's another thing ive wondered. people who make an attempt at suicide sometimes leave a sort of escape rope, such as calling someone before they do it, leaving texts, posting something, and then going very slowly about making their preparations. but ive thought back to a moment from this fall, and i wondered where THAT escape rope was. from what i can tell, there wasn't any. what made them stop?

something changed in that person after that night, i cant quite put my finger on it, but it's almost like part of them DID jump, like part of them was run over, but no one could see, so they were left to bleed on the street.

all in all i think that this world has no further use for something like this

semper ama

distressed and hearing things. id rather have a surgeon to operate in place of rusting tools and broken string. so far the gashes heal none, i know not what this means.

concentration is especially hard when all i think about is "what ifs" and "i dont believes."

what if autumn had ended for me that day?
i dont believe anyone would have cared.
what if i could live in a forever sort of state, with leaves of perpetual shades of red?
i dont believe i would mind...

maintaining my consciousness is difficult when all i think about is "i wonders" and "would i's"

i wonder if a spring forever would have been a better time to live?
would i have cared which forever i call my own?
i wonder what it's like, to forever feel the blossoms of springtime brush against your skin, laying in a landscape so green, so soft?
i dont believe i would mind...

continuing to write becomes a challenge when all i can comprehend is "nows" and "nevers"

now i am living in a summer heat, hiding from the sun.
never should i have to live through another spring.
now my chances grow smaller to live in my forever, my obsession is almost to much to bear.
their absence i mind...

please call a surgeon...

a world made perpindicular,
means nothing in particular,

if you wish to uncover what's beneath the mask,
first prove to yourself that you truely can
discover the secret of this unholiest of man.

a staining of the skin,
white and bloody crimson,

remembrance of a hero past,
falsities and lies will never last.

the illusionist's dream is one of hidden sorrow,
stuck in a nightmare and won't wake till tomorrow,

turn to the rabbit, the fox and the snake,
release the wonders inside you that ache.

those who fight with words, who use paradoxal retorts,
will they ever see the ringing bells that in their heads contort

the style to the author and the writer to his pen
and a printer printing paper, who is promptly laid to bed

the singing bird, the clouding skies
all living in their beauty without a person to surmise

why one is lesser while two is long
counting down to pointless end
waiting for the creek to bend.

why wonder what is waiting whilst the enemies are congregating,

to be deciding the same fate of those who steal across the way,
an innocence to be ruined upon this fateful day,

a word repeated twice doesn't sound quite the same,
to each his own, and to him his own name.

a world made perpindicular, means nothing in particular,

to a world where nothing ends, this is only where it begins.

feeling a little dreamy, letting my eyes blur the world as they see fit, 90 miles of fast passing scenery, for then to be told it was the wrong card you picked

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more gouges more bleeding, less stages less needing, the lesson to which all human learn is how to be scorned, and that love is earned

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feeling that scared sort of nervous, like when you fall but dont know how hard you'll hit the ground

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tired of trying to fit in between the lines, eventually, something will spill over

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yes, you are correct to assume that i dont care about being called those things

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"we are victims of the same thing, the same horror lives within us both," and i carried her to a better place.

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if i could shape the world with a book, i would write a love story, one where no one wins the girl

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"for some reason, nothing exists outside my little dirt path, there are trees that span miles of earth that may not even exist. knowing this, i am content"
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im working on a book, i dont know the name, but ill post it every now and again. maybe

from 6:30 yesterday night to 4 this afternoon, the fluffy bunnies (the bunettes group) had an awesome party!

LIST OF THINGS WE DID

no sleep, constant fuuuun
striping
dirty pictures
i kissed a girl
danced around the street for over 2 hours
we were out in the dark street for like 4 hours
tasty food
i got to meet the girl i kissed's boyfriend! and he's alright with me!
freaked out cashiers at 7-11
got stared at when we were walking around her (girl hosting party) neighborhood
and deep openings of our paaaaast

AND SEX EDUCATION!!! and of course a favorite: groping each other's chests XD

best. party. ever.

i haven't slept in like 2 days, so imma pass out in that corner over there

well, today has been interesting...

i went to our carwash, even though its 102 outside, and we didn't make much, only $120 something. we usually make like $180 or $190, but eh, monies is monies! :D

one of my friend's seriously just went up to random guys in their cars and was like "can we have money? please?" and she got i think $40 out of it! its why i love her! cause she's just awesome like that!

after that, i went home and took my shower, beat guitar hero 3, and for some reason, my brother's ex/current gf got hit on by a chick that looked like me. so now we're all having a conversation about that, which turned to lesbians, to wrestling, to lesbians jello wrestling in a moon bounce on the moon.

yummy

i dont get what is so interesting about me! its not like im good at anything XD

well, minus tying myself up with string and tape....

i went to sleep, im pretty sure i fell asleep. but then i woke up, i think. im not sure, but my eyes are all heavy and my head feels like someone smacked me

i think im awake, but im posting this just incase, cause i could totally be insane and imagining all of this.

on a table she was pinned,
and cut open for her sins
for a look no one controlled
rang her dripping blue death toll

i cant remember if im making noise or not, maybe i should eat something next time, there wont be a next time though cause someone made me feel guilty for it

description of the feeling, to the actions i shall take
sadly, quiet children do not an author make

a hatred running deep
shredding flowers in her sleep

a doll balanced on a string
a nightingale to hurt to sing

the lovéd child, so sad, so small
lets the lovers realize they aren't so tall

tattoo the crescent moon, shape the scar on her back
the jester thinks himself clever, prepared for an easy attack

a couplet to a puppet, that doll who sings on strings
nothing but a child shredding blossoms in the spring